Family Matters – The first 90 days: where do you even begin?

When a relationship ends, the hardest thing is often not any single decision. It is that all of them seem to arrive at once. The home, the money, the children, the divorce itself, and underneath it all a fog of shock and worry that makes clear thinking almost impossible. And yet this is exactly the moment the world seems to expect you to have the answers.

So here is the first and most important thing to know. You do not have to solve everything this week. Very little of it, in truth, has to be decided right now. The real skill of the first ninety days is not doing everything at once. It is knowing what genuinely matters now, and what can safely wait.

What is worth doing early

A handful of things are worth your attention in the opening weeks, less because they are urgent and more because getting them wrong is hard to undo.

Take advice before you act, not after. Early legal advice is not about firing a starting gun. It is the opposite. It is about understanding the whole picture before you make a move that quietly weakens your position, whether that is leaving the family home, moving money, closing a joint account, or agreeing something in the heat of a difficult conversation.

Keep the ground steady for the children. Hold on to familiar routines as far as you can, and shield them from the conflict between the two adults who love them. Children should never be asked to carry messages between you.

Get a clear picture of the finances before you do anything with them. Simply understanding what exists, the accounts, the home, the pensions, leaves you in a far stronger and calmer position than acting on half of it in a hurry.

Keep a light record. Not to build a case, but so that in a few months you are not trying to reconstruct what happened from memory.

And if anyone is not safe

If you or your children are not safe, that comes before everything else on this list. Nothing here matters more than that.

If you are in immediate danger, call 999. If you cannot speak safely, call 999 and press 55 when prompted, and the operator will know you need help.

Otherwise, tell us, or tell someone you trust, and we will make sure you reach the right help and protection quickly. You can also speak, in confidence and at any time, to the @National Domestic Abuse Helpline (run by Refuge) on 0808 2000 247, free and 24 hours a day. Support is there for anyone, of any age or gender, whether or not you have decided to take any legal steps.

What can safely wait?

Most of the big decisions can, and should, wait their turn. The final shape of your financial settlement, the divorce application, what ultimately happens to the house: these are worked out in order, with advice, once the ground beneath you has steadied. Rushing them rarely improves the outcome, and often makes it worse.

The part that is not about the law

We are your lawyers, and we will not pretend the legal part is the hardest part, because usually it is not. The hardest part is the grief, the fear, the broken sleep and the sheer weight of it all, and that belongs to a different kind of expert. What we can do is hold the legal part steady while you find your feet, and point you towards the right people for the rest, a good divorce coach, a financial adviser, a therapist, when that would help. You do not have to hold the whole picture on your own.

"In the first few weeks our job is often to stop things happening, not to make them happen. We help you see which decisions genuinely cannot wait, and which will be made far better in a month, when you can think again. We will not pretend the legal part is the hard part, but we can hold it steady while you find your feet."

Jack McBride, Senior Associate – Family Solicitor at Laurus

Why the first weeks matter so much

The tone set in the opening weeks has a way of holding. A calmer start is not softness or weakness. It is one of the few genuinely useful things within your control, and it protects the people with the least to spare, which usually means the children. Getting through this well, rather than simply getting through it, very often begins right here.

That is what we are here for. We are known for resolving disputes rather than inflaming them, and for keeping families out of court wherever that is the right thing to do, in the first ninety days and in all the ones that follow.

If you would like to talk it through

Whatever stage you are at, a short, no-pressure conversation with our family and mediation team can help you see the calmest way forward. We are here to help you find the right route for your situation.

Email enquiries@lauruslaw.co.uk or call 020 3146 6300 to arrange a confidential chat.

About Family Matters 

Some of the hardest decisions any of us face are about family, and they tend to arrive with a great deal of worry and very little clear information. Family Matters answers a real question in each edition, from the first weeks of a separation to finances, children and building a life afterwards, so you know what the law says, what your options are, and what a good outcome can look like. It comes from a family and mediation team known for resolving disputes rather than inflaming them, and for keeping families out of court wherever that is the right thing to do.