Family Matters – We've been told to try mediation. What actually happens?

The word mediation can be unsettling the first time you hear it. Perhaps someone has told you that you need to try it before you can go anywhere near a court, and now you are picturing a tense room, the person you are separating from sitting opposite you, and being pushed to give ground you are not ready to give. If that is the image in your head, let us put your mind at rest. Mediation is calmer, more structured, and far more in your control than that.

What mediation actually is

Mediation is a series of conversations, helped along by a trained, neutral mediator, in which the two of you work out your own decisions about the things you need to sort out. That might be your finances, the arrangements for your children, or both.

The important word is neutral. The mediator does not take sides, does not decide anything for you, and does not give either of you legal advice. Their job is to keep the conversation calm, balanced and focused, so that you can find answers that work rather than getting stuck in the hurt. The decisions stay yours.

"Mediation is not about being pushed to give ground or to make peace before you are ready. It is a calm, confidential space where the two of you stay in control of the decisions. My job is simply to keep things fair and focused, so you can find answers that genuinely work for your family."

Ingrid Starcic, Associate Partner and Family Mediator

Why you are hearing about a MIAM

In most cases, before you can apply to a family court, the law expects you to attend a MIAM first. That stands for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, and it is usually a short, one-to-one meeting with a mediator.

At the MIAM, the mediator explains how mediation works, tells you about the other out-of-court options open to you, and assesses whether your situation is suitable and safe for mediation. If it is not the right fit, they will say so honestly. There are recognised reasons why mediation may not be appropriate, for example where there has been domestic abuse or where a matter is genuinely urgent, and in those situations you are not expected to go through it.

Here is the reassuring part. Attending a MIAM is about considering mediation, not committing to it. Mediation itself is entirely voluntary, and nobody can make you accept an agreement you are not happy with.

What happens in the sessions

If you both decide to go ahead, you meet over one or more sessions, at a pace that suits you.

Often you will be in the same room, but if sitting face to face is not right for you, "shuttle" mediation lets you stay in separate rooms while the mediator moves between you. You set the agenda together, then work through what needs resolving, whether that is the family home, savings and pensions, or where the children live and how their time is shared. Where money is involved, you each provide honest, full financial information, so that any decisions are made on a complete picture rather than guesswork.

Throughout, you can and should take advice from your own solicitor alongside the process, so you always know where you stand before you agree to anything.

What you come away with

Conversations in mediation are confidential and generally cannot be used against you later. That freedom is deliberate, because it lets both of you explore options openly without fear of it counting against you if things do not work out.

When you reach agreement, the mediator writes it up for you. You receive a document setting out what you have decided, along with a summary of the finances in a money case. That document is not legally binding on its own, but your solicitor can turn it into a consent order for a judge to approve, which makes it final and enforceable.

So you get the best of both: the calm of an agreement you shaped yourselves, with the security of an outcome sealed by the court.

When mediation works, and when it does not

Mediation tends to work best when both of you, however upset or far apart you feel, are willing to sit down and try. It will not be right for everyone. Where there has been abuse, or where one of you would be unsafe or unable to speak freely, other routes are better, and we will help you find the one that protects you.

But when it fits, the benefits are real. You reach decisions that genuinely work for your family, because you are the ones who made them. Your children are spared much of the conflict that a courtroom battle would expose them to. And you tend to arrive at the next chapter of your life more quickly, and far more calmly, than you feared.

Mediation is something we are known for. Our family and mediation team resolves disputes rather than inflaming them, and will always look for the calmest, most constructive route that protects you and the people you love.

If you would like to talk it through

Whatever stage you are at, a short, no-pressure conversation with our family and mediation team can help you see the calmest way forward. We are here to help you find the right route for your situation.

Email enquiries@lauruslaw.co.uk or call 020 3146 6300 to arrange a confidential chat.

About Family Matters 

Some of the hardest decisions any of us face are about family, and they tend to arrive with a great deal of worry and very little clear information. Family Matters answers a real question in each edition, from the first weeks of a separation to finances, children and building a life afterwards, so you know what the law says, what your options are, and what a good outcome can look like. It comes from a family and mediation team known for resolving disputes rather than inflaming them, and for keeping families out of court wherever that is the right thing to do.